Rose Colored Chemo

Coffee..Comfy Clothes and Cars

2008-05-16T05:58:00.003-05:00

I've been layed off this past week and I will say, I've enjoyed every minute of it. I worked around the house, worked on the hearse and basically did squat. Every morning I got up at 6am, made coffee and perhaps around 9-ish, started thinking about what I wanted to do. What a great life this would be every day.

The part I'm going to miss now is my morning coffee and bumming around in my Pj's. I now can make a great cup of coffee, in the past that was something I couldn't do. Maybe I can't and my taste buds have just adjusted to my crap coffee, who knows.

I've been getting the hearse ready for our next show at Fifth Third Ball Park this Saturday. This is a great show and it's the show where I fell in love with Ken. You see Ken invited me to see his car at this show about 4 years ago. Gosh I can't believe it's been that long. Anyway, he told me about his Nova and how cool it was so I thought I'd get him off my back and go see the stupid thing and maybe if I did he's leave me alone..lol

He even went so far as to draw me a map cause I'm not very good with directions if it's not in Holland. The fact is, driving to other places by myself scares me. So, after debating over if I should or not, I headed out the door, map in hand determined to get his guy off my back and see his car.

Ok, I drove to Grand Rapids and followed the map and about 60 miles out of town I realized, after asking someone at a rest stop, that I was almost to Saranac. I wasn't even close to the ball park and that stupid map was wrong. I was so pissed that NOW I was going to find that ball park and give my thoughts to Ken for getting me lost.

I found my way and found the ball park but now I had to find that red Nova in a sea of cars. I walked down every isle and then I found him! I kept thinking what a godly car and you sent me 60 miles out of my way. And when I said hi, his eyes lit up, he offered me a chair that he had brought for me. He offered me a pop and not just any pop but ones he brought for me after asking the guys I work with what kind I drank at night. He did all of this not even knowing if I was going to show up that day.

At that point, those simple jesters melted my anger and he won over my heart. We often laugh at this story and how I could drive 60 miles out of my way but that's just me. I even have the map he drew and the home phone number he wrote at the bottom, he was a sly dog. I still believe he draws wrong maps but he'll tell you he didn't...men what ya going to do with them?

It's Alive

2008-05-13T05:03:00.007-05:00

Yes..it is alive, the flames that is... Here's the motley crew who did the deed. Ann and Bob, Thank you from the bottom of my heart and "Yes".. Ann, you are a great taper. Phil, you are a super friend and I love the fur coat..Thank YOU. Don..what can I say..Best flame man there is...

My First..

2008-05-03T16:56:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I just won my first trophy for my hearse. It was such a cold and rainy day but we went out and figured..what the heck. Most of our club members cars are either being repaired or are still getting ready so it was just the hearse. Ken's car hasn't even been started yet. He's been spending his time getting mine ready but he's almost done. This is super and I'm so excited. It's been a long day and I'm off to put up my feet and watch a little TV...

Doctor Death..again

2008-04-30T08:37:00.003-05:00

Well I had another appointment with Doc Death and you know things don't change much. My appointment was at 11am so they tell you to get there 15mins early so you can have your lab work done. I arrived at 10:40 and my labs where at 10:50 and then I waited till..wait for it..wait..11:40 for my name to be called into a room! That's a one hour wait and by the time I was called the lobby was so full people where standing cause all the chairs and wheel chairs had been filled.

A one hour wait there was so depressing. It brought back all the memories of that time for me. So many sick people with cancer so many who couldn't even walk in on their own. So many with no hope in their eyes and it was terrible.

After my name had been called , I then waited another 10 mins in the room for him to come in. He spent less then 5 mins with me. Asking how I felt and such and the asked me to change and he would be back. It took him another 10 mins to come back after that to do my exam and answer a few questions I had.

After the exam, he told me to dress and he'd be back. He came back after another 10 mins to tell me things where great and he wouldn't have to see me now for another 4 months! So that's another 35 mins just to be told things where great and see ya in 4 months. Ok, that is super news cause I had been seeing him every 3 months.

I went to look for my chemo nurse after that cause I like to cause her some grief since I'm there anyway.. It was so depressing to see all the chemo chairs full. I thought to myself how lucky I was to have an extra 1 hour and 35 mins of my life to be there and that I wasn't one of those in the chair... Different perspective I think.

Down the Road..

2008-04-26T07:11:00.002-05:00

There's a song that states..You can never look back..you can never look back but I did spend some time doing that today. I let my mind walk down the road that I had closed off for awhile. I opened the box that someone once told me if I put all my memories in, they would just stay there and not in my head.

I was thinking about morning coffee and about the fact that I couldn't make a good cup of coffee to save my life. About early mornings and the smell of pines wet with dew. Picking up pine cones to make a Christmas wreath. Sitting around the fireplace warming my butt and sipping wickiy (Whiskey)..

There's more but I don't want to go to far into this box, I think I'll just shut it and put it back on the shelf. I could have went down this road and at time I wish I had but I didn't. I took a different path, my own path, one which I made for myself.

I'm not sure where I'm going for now but I know I'm going to go there in style cause it wouldn't be me if I didn't...

Billy Boy

2008-04-23T08:04:00.005-05:00

As you can see Bill is working hard on my car. This was the first outing for Bill but I am sure there will be many more. Bill started out as a skeleton called a budget bucky. They are 4th quality medical skeletons that are sold as not quite right. Ok, I know I'm not quite right.

Now, getting him to stand on his own wasn't that easy. He has metal rods c-clapped to his knees to keep them straight. I guess you can say he had knee surgery and now has rods in place. Bill wouldn't be Bill without his work coveralls and shoes. He's also sporting one of my skull caps that I worm during my chemo last year.

Both my buddies wear my skull caps just to remind me that there is fun and life after cancer...

Getting Ready

2008-04-19T07:16:00.004-05:00

Wow, when the weather breaks there's so much to do. I've been working on getting the hearse ready for the show season. She has a name now..Rosebud.which is really my kick name I like to use but it fit her too.

1..My friends at Speed Cult are making me two side window markers with skulls and the name Rosebud in the middle, powder coated in you guessed it..blood red.

2..I've just finished the back curtain in that Alex Henry fabric that I love so much.

3..I've had the center rims on the wheels powered coated in red and the skull from the fabric I used is now in the center cap. I had a graphic design artist copy the fabric and make vinyl centers for me.

4..The back door has been repaired with the truck bed liner that I used on the roof. And, now has a chrome skull and cross bone emblem on it.

5..The new skeleton has arrived but now I have to figure out how to make him stand by himself under the hood. A uniform place helped me with his outfit complete with his name tag "Bill". This is going to be a fun prop.

6..Holland Supply Inc which is a funeral supply place helped me with new flags and a sign for Rosebud.

7..Express Muffler put on a brand spanking new exhaust for me. Two glass packed shorties on the back which now have the two skull exhaust tips on it...SWEET!!

I'm sure I am leaving out more but hey..I'm a busy gal here...

It's That Time Of Year

2008-04-06T07:59:00.006-05:00

Well, it's here again..SPRING. Do you know how I knew??? I got the hearse out! Drove it around the block a few times and then headed to the muffler place. I have decided to put a glass pack muffler on it with duel exhaust. I found a place on the net which I bought these skull chrome exhaust tips.

These are going to look oh so cool with smoke coming out of the eyes and mouth. Next, I spent a good part of the day sanding the back door which was really bad. You see, the hearse sat out side before I bought it for two years and the back door was scratched and very badly rusted from that.

I decided to use the same truck bed liner which I put on the vinyl roof on that. It looks great and covered the deep scratches perfectly. Next I applied a crome skull and cross bones on it. It looks great!

I brought Semore in out of the cold. He was really stiff and cold from being out in the hearse all winter long..hahaha. Here he is enjoying a warm cup of coffee.

Next on my list will be a flame paint job and a new prop which will be a mechanic called Bill Sunoco. Ok, I know I'm a little weird here but what fun I am having compared to last year at this time.

Spring Is The Thing

2008-03-22T07:10:00.002-05:00

The calendar said the first day of spring and even the outside matched. It wasn't warm but the sun was shinning and it looked like spring. It looked like we had gotten over that snow hump and wouldn't return till next winter. But thing are not all what they look like.

It snowed about 6 to 12 inches yesterday and last night. The crappy white stuff covered and sign of spring out there including..taking the hearse out!. I put the hearse back on the insurance the first day of spring cause there's so much I want to do to her before the shows start. She is getting new exhaust tips, signs and perhaps a little paint if time and money allows.

But now, she's back under her blanket. I really hate winter.

One Year Ago..

2008-03-12T12:27:00.001-05:00

It's been one year today that I started this blog. It was mostly to keep friends update on my progress. What a year huh? Back then I didn't know what was going to happen to me and today I still don't!

Since all of the treatment is done, life began but it's so hard not to keep thinking about it coming back. Some of the ladies that I started with back then have had their cancer return and it's just scary to think one day it might.

Also, last year my company announced that it was sold to a company called Plastech. Now, Plastech announced it's bankrupt. Oh yeah, we still have jobs for the most part but every day you wonder if it will be announced that you are going to be out.

So, if you think about it..my cancer is a lot like my job..it just keeps you wondering..hahahahaha

Will You Be My Valentine

2008-02-19T21:37:00.004-05:00

That day has rolled around again, the day which normal people are forced to be sappy in love goons. I'm not much on this day, in fact, it was drilled into my head for 12 lovely years that, it's a Hallmark Holiday and nothing more. Every heart felt feeling that I had was to be washed down with the bitter fact that I would not be shown anything extra that day.

I fondly remember the days when I was young and we would make mail boxes out of cereal boxes and decorate them with hearts and hang them at the front of our desks in grade school. I wasn't very good at making those hearts but it didn't take away from the excitement of that day. We would go to the store and get small paper notes with "Will you be mine Valentine?" on them. They would have puppies or kitties or just big hearts. I would neatly address them and wait for the day. The day of love and perhaps a sweet heart shaped candy sucker. Gosh, I loved that!

Those days of youth have gone and so has the Hallmark Holidays guy. I was not prepared for what happen this Valentine day, this time it was different. We were in the car and a ad came on the radio about giving a loved one something special. I looked at Ken asked him in a kinda cool voice if he wanted a card for the love fest day. He looked at me and said in a sad voice...I at least deserve a card don't I?

I realized then that I was about to make him turn that day into something that I was forced to do so long ago...nothing more, nothing extra..just another day. So, in a middle of a snow storm I went out , hell bent on doing the love thing. I wanted to make this day special for him and that was that.

I bought not just one but two cards. I found the biggest heart shaped box of candy I could afford and a mug to show him just how much I cared. Then I realized something, it's not the stuff you buy but it's the act itself that shows someone on that day you care a little extra. You cared to go out and do something, so it doesn't matter how small or large of gift it is.

I wrapped and hid it all but the thing that made this day so very special was that Ken had bought me the exact same heart shaped box of candy. We had a good laugh over that. He also gave me a card and some lovely flowers. He didn't have to do any of that since he had already given me something, something very special and something I will always cherish. He gave me Valentine's Day back.

Winter Blues

2008-02-02T06:40:00.000-05:00

How's the weather? Colder then a ditch digger's.... Gosh there's so many of those saying that I just could go on but at the risk of offending, I'll stop..>LOL Weather has always been weird in Michigan but I just have one question...Where the heck is the global warming when we need it? Below zero, negative numbers and blizzards are all I have been hearing on the weather reports.

Where did the hole in the o-zone go? Did it repair it self? I want the unseasonal warm weather that the hole made. Maybe it's so bad now cause my car is not housed nice inside the garage. The hearse and the nova sit nice and cozy inside the car hole, while our daily drivers are now outside in the elements.

I have to face fact that this winter thing is starting to suck and I'm getting older and need warmth. We did talk about a warmer place like Arizona or Florida but we all know that's just a warm pipe dream for now.

I guess right now I'm going to go buy a can of aerosol hair spray and point it to the sky and maybe I'll make that hole come back and warm me up..hahahaha

One Year And Counting...

2008-01-19T06:56:00.000-05:00

What do you do on an anniversary like this? It's been one year since I heard those words..breast cancer. Do you get a cake and balloons, or perhaps there's a hallmark card, they make cards for every occasions. Maybe going out to dinner and toasting to the one year, the one year that you lived hoping you weren't going to die.

I promised myself there was no looking back, no reminiscing fondly like you would of happy days gone past and old lovers. But, here I am doing just what I said I wouldn't, remembering the crap.

I'm not going to write some long recap of the year cause you all can read last years posting if you want to know how I felt or what happened. But, right now, I am going to celebrate my one year anniversary. It's not going to be with a cake or some sappy hallmark card.

So, here's to you cancer..you beat me down but I'm back up again. Care giver Kenny, who kepted me going through this all, always told me we'd look back and laugh at all of this. He was right, he's always right..NOT. He kept me going when I wanted to stop and he say..one year from now..you'll still be here.

Now I have my morning coffee and there's a fresh blanket of snow outside. The sun is coming up and it's another day. Another day to be thankful and to breath it all in...that's a celebration in my eyes.

Computer Age

2008-01-07T10:31:00.000-05:00

Boy, what happened to the good old days?? Pictures where taken on a camera then the film was taken to get developed and you had pictures. There was also the cool Instamatic's where you took the picture, it popped out and you waved it in the air till the photo magically appeared..( those where oh so cool) I miss those days.

I have a camera that I thought was up to date cause it took pics on a thing called a floppy disk that I just inserted into my computer and "poof" there was the pic. No film, no processing and oh so with it. I used this thing for 10 years now and just recently I found out I was behind the times. Me, behind the times..hahahaha.

The camera failed on me, the floppy disk some how wouldn't load into the computer and I decided to "look" for another camera. So, off I go to Circuit City to "look" and "look" I did. Wow, my camera was in the stone age compared to the little (and I mean little) stuff they have now. I ended up going home with another Sony but it has 12.1 mega pixels and a shit load of other stuff I'll never use. The card, which holds the pictures, can hold up to 500 of them and is no bigger then my thumb nail. Not to mention it will do everything but take out the trash for me..hahah

Now.. the day before, I was burning some DVDs (don't ask me how I did that), which was for our car club. The DVD had 268 pictures and music from the entire year (2007) of our car club car shows. It was amazing how many pictures that old camera took but the quality wasn't so great. Anyway, after doing that for days, I decided to make those cool labels and jewel case covers with our car club logo on them. This should have been an easy project, easy for someone who knows what they are doing..lol

I went through twenty-one bucks of paper products just to find out that I didn't know what I was doing. Needless to say, that afternoon a new printer came into my life. Apparently, I had a stone age printer as well and I have one that will do everything but take out the trash.

It seems now that I am with it again but I still don't know what I am doing. I'm just going to hide under the covers for awhile and dream of the old days...wave me in the air till I develop

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T11:49:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!!! I can't believe another tax year is starting. You know, I never payed much attention to the new year. It's not Halloween or Christmas, it's just a start of another year. New start? or is it just a continuation of the past year?..Questions..questions..

I started taking down the Christmas stuff today which is always so depressing for me. And to top that off, tonight at 11pm..I'm off to work. I don't really want to go but I guess I have to pay the bills some how. It's been a good Christmas vacation for sure. I cooked, cleaned, cooked some more, shopped, cleaned again, cooked and ????, oh yeah...cooked. Wait a minute..going back to work will be easy compared to the work I did at home..hahahahaha

I'm not going to look back at last year much cause it is time to look forward. I want to spend less time on this cancer stuff but I some how know that won't happen. I'm really going to try to be more involved in the race for the cure this year. Perhaps even do a little running but I've got to lose this chemo weight of mine first. Ok, chemo and holiday weight..everything taste so good now that I got my taste buds back. I know I'll feel better if I take some of this off.

Well, Happy New Year everyone. No looking back cause didn't a song say.."You can never look back, never look back"?

There's Right and Wrong

2007-12-27T14:07:00.000-05:00

It has been quite the Christmas here. A week before Christmas my right side ribs started to hurt. I can't tell you how scared I was about this. Cancer can travel and mine did before surgery, chemo and rads, it traveled to my lympnodes. I was scared now that it wasn't gone and had traveled to my ribs and that I now had bone cancer. But, being the stubborn dutchmen that I am, I didn't call the doc till after Christmas.

So I called and the nurse told me not to worry cause it could be just scar tissue building up. Ok, I thought, it's all fine. The, not even two hours later she calls me and tells me I have to have a chest x-ray. Now, I'm worried...big time. So we went and it was easy cheesy and they told me the results would be in the next day. I can't believed I even slept that night, so much on my mind.

Woke up bright and early, waited till after noon and I called. Everything was fine. The x-rayed showed nothing on my ribs. Hallelujah!!!! I was so worried and Ken was too. I know I could do the bone cancer but I just don't want to. I just want to be normal for awhile and enjoy life.

So that was the right and now the wrong..Amber lost her baby. Yes, I know all the it's for the best things but I am not happy about this. I know, I know, they can keep trying but..but... I guess I'll have to understand God's wishes here even if I don't like it. Amber and Josh are taking fine so I'm ok with it but my heart just breaks each time I think of it.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-26T09:19:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas even if it is a day late. Our house was full and I believed I cooked for three days straight. I think it would have been easier to go to work then to do all the cooking..hahahaha

I tried to cook less, really I did but each time I opened the cook book there was something else that I HAD to make popped up. There was green wreath cookies, sugar and short bread. Four pumpkin pies that where made fresh from pumpkins. There was also the fluffy cheese cake that my mother would make every year. I also had to make my own carmel apple bread and banana bread, two loafs of each. Then on the big day there was ham, taters, rolls and veggies. What an eating holiday this was.

So, now the day after and the cupboards are bare....that in it's self is the best gift that I got this Christmas...

Christmas Time Is Here

2007-12-15T09:45:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can't believe how fast time is flying. It's almost Christmas and I haven't begun shopping..LOL I started thinking, it's almost a year now since I started this cancer thing. Last year, after Christmas was when we found the tumor. What a year this has been! I can't believe I made it this far but since I did, I think I'll hang around for awhile. Here's some pictures that the crook who took them finally gave up at a price! I'm not going to go into this but just a word of caustion..TAKE PICTURE EVEN WHEN THEY SAY>>NO PICTURES!!!

Give Me A "G"

2007-12-01T06:51:00.000-05:00

First off, my mammogram came back normal, which is super duper news in it's self. Next bit of news is..I'm going to be Grandma. Amber called and told me this week, she should be due in June or July. I cried again, just like at her wedding. I can't believe what a sobbing thing I've become. It's just not right what those drugs are doing to my system. And, the new drugs are working great except for the fact they will be costing me.

Now back to this Grandma thing. I can't wait! Amber talked about children like this would be far off in the future. I figured I would live to see any of her children grow up cause she would have them so late in live. I am so excited about this that I went to the fabric store and bought this baby fabric that I have admired for a year now. I was jealous of all the other Grandma's who could buy this fabric but, now it is my turn. I wonder if they make a tee shirt that says..I'm going to be Grandma..I'd wear it.

Girl or boy, it doesn't matter to me. I just want the baby to be healthy and mom and dad to be happy. Of course, now Ken and I are arguing who will be the first to hold this little Nascar hopeful. It will be me..hahahahaha. This is truly a blessing this Christmas. What a year it's been and what a year next year will be. I can't wait!!!

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

Well, the dishes are about done and all our tummy's are full. Everything turned out great and I have no complaints. I worked, cleaned and fed my family all in one day and I'm pooped. This is a day about being thankful, which I am greatly. I have wonderful friends, family and mostly.I am thankful to be here to enjoy them.

I think I mentioned on here about the web site breastcancer.org and the great ladies that helped support me through this. We shared so much of our pain, our sorrow, our plain fact of being scared out of our minds. We shared so much that each one of these ladies I feel close to, a sister. Today with great sadness one of these ladies passed to a better place, a place with no cancer.

She was someone I looked to for always being upbeat and having so many answers to my questions. She had a unyielding faith in God and how He would help her but in the end, the cancer won, or did God win? I am Thankful for knowing this person, for having her touch my life without even seeing her face or hearing her voice in person. I know that I was blessed to have known her for that short time. Jacqniel, you will be missed!!!!!

As I said before and I will say again...cancer sucks. I know that there is no cure and one can only be considered cured if you die from something else. So with that in mind, I am thankful for having enough....

Mammo..Mammo

2007-11-09T06:23:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been awhile since I written anything so I thought I better catch up. So far..drum roll please....two Doctors don't want to see me for a year, Doctor Death told me I was in menopause and I had a mammogram all this in the last two weeks. I had complained to Death that the pills they had given me made me itch and had unexplained bruising. They took me off of those and I had to have a blood test to see if I was in menopause. They did it and I am so that means I get to take another pill which (knock on wood) is not causing me too much trouble. So far, it just make me really tired and my joints are stiff. I can live with that!

I also had a mammogram which I might add...sucked. I had three Doctors in the time span of 2 weeks check out the girls and no one found anything..GREAT!!! So I tell this to the young women at the mamo place but she insisted on doing a breast exam. Now I don't mind it much but this women was on a mission. She pressed so hard I think she left bruises. I'm afraid to look and that was just the breast exam. I'm not going to tell ya how the girls looked after she did the mamo...picture a pancake...OUCH!!!

She did give me her spiel about how mammograms are so important for early detection and that I should now have them done every 6 months because I have had breast cancer. I told her that I have always had my yearly exam and as a matter of fact..my last mamo should have pick up on the tumor that was forming but it didn't. I also said that if it was such a great early detection tool, why didn't it "detect" my tumor and why does it fail so many other women? She didn't say too much about that but she didn't say that she knew that and understood my point. So much for their detection tool.

I understand that it does save countless women from their cancer becoming advanced breast cancer but it does fail and the only sure thing is an ultra sound but insurance company don't pay for that as a diagnostic tool. Some insurance don't even cover mammograms and women even go without that. I can't understand it but some women don't get this done cause they are afraid of the discomfort that it causes them even if insurance covers it. Breast cancer causes MORE discomfort then this exam, which is what I tell women at work who tell me they don't have it done cause it hurts. That just makes me laugh but I hope I get my point across.

Needless to say..I'll be having this done again in 6 months, even if it's not the best tool. At least we women have it and I'm still here to rant about it..

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T18:30:00.000-05:00

What a night what a night. The hearse was shining and the skeletons where a smiling. We drove just a few blocks down to the church. When we first got there, well, everyone kinda just stood there and stared. No one would come up and introduce themselves to us. No problem, I wasn't there to join the church, I just wanted to hand out candy to the kids.

By all accounts, there was over 400 kids there and I ran out of candy. We had all sorts of little ones dressed oh so cute. I just wanted to take them all home with me. Dragons, princess, cars, candy corn and wizards just to mention some. I love it! The church even had hot dogs and fixings to go for the people who came there to trunk or treat. It was really nice.

We where off to the side cause I wasn't sure where to park. There was about 20 other cars there also. The church even had candy if you ran out. They just wanted the neighborhood kids to have a safe and fun Halloween. All of the cars there had their truck decorated but everyone loved the hearse.

And, like every Halloween, it rained but we still stuck it out and handed out all the candy I had. I'll be doing this again next year..What a hoot!!!

Drive Your Hearse To Work Day..

2007-10-31T06:48:00.000-05:00

Halloween has always been one of my favorite days. You can dress up, get candy and decorate around the house all spooky like. Tonight at work, people dressed up and they had donuts and cider and candy available all night. I had a sugar buzz when I went home..LOL

I didn't feel much like dressing up cause I drive a hi-lo (fork lift) so I decided to take the hearse and just park it in the parking lot. About half way threw the night, a co-worker suggested that I park it by one of the main entrances to the building to freak out the first shift people coming in. I asked one of the supervisors and it was a big..YES!

She told me that one fellow on her line came in and told her that he parked next to a hearse out in the parking lot. He just couldn't believe it was out there and his car was right next to it. She told him it was Chris's over there on the dock and he didn't act so surprised anymore..hahaha.. Guess I must have some kind of reputation.

It was really neat and so many people told me how great it was. One gal on the way out got all scared and wouldn't walk by it till her friend went with her. But, there's always one in the crowd that is now praying for my soul. Yes, it seems that I am now damned for having this car that has nothing to do with ones soul or God but she feels it does.

I didn't realize that ones soul would travel in such a car but I guess her praying for me couldn't hurt.

One Down..

2007-10-25T17:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had my first Doctors appointment since I finished rads a few months ago. Dr. Watson was my radiation Doctor. What a swell lady!She is the one that gave me those heart shaped glasses to wear on my last rads treatment. She is so weird and funny! She also talks in real people terms, which I love!!

Anyway, I figured I'd drive the hearse to that appointment so she and the staff could check her out. On my goodness, they laughed so hard. They all think I have a super sense of humor cause I told them all that I was a driver..not a rider.. It didn't even bother any of the people there getting treatment like I thought perhaps it would.

I passed this appointment with flying colors. Everything looked great with no masses or lumps forming. I did have some swelling but that should resolve itself in a years or less time. Now, the good news..I don't have to see her again for a year. YEAH!!!! Next week however is Doc. Death and my surgeon...then hopefully I won't have to see the surgeon again. I know I have to see Doc Death every 3 months for a year and so on and so on...great..

Dr. Watson did make an appointment for me to get a mammogram and I will have to have one every 6 months on the effective breast. They want to keep checking to make sure no cancer and that it's healing right. She also reminded me that in a few months it will be a year that has gone by.

That kinda floored me, a year since we found this. A year...where did it go???? When we found this and when I had it removed and treatments..it felt like forever. Every day dragged on and every thing as a small battle in it's own right. Now, I'm back to work and my energy is getting back. It seems like nothing happened at all. All I have to remind is a few scares, short hair and Doctor appointments that I don't want to go to.

Hope next weeks appointment with Doc Death goes well and it's just another pill to try with no surgery. Like I said before, I'm done with surgery, at least till every other avenue has been tried. I'll just keep my mind on the Halloween and the Trunk or Treat. Our neighbor Bob goes to the church I'm going to. He's cooking the dogs for the event and informed Ken that at least 400 dogs where being cooked. I ran out and bought some more candy. 400 dogs..that's quite a few kids. I'll post what happens next week both on the Doc's and the fun stuff...

Shave and A Hair Cut..2 Bits

2007-10-20T07:13:00.000-05:00

Today I got my hair cut. Now you're thinking big deal right, everyone gets a hair cut. Wrong, not when you've had cancer treatment, you're hair is gone. My hair has been coming back slowly and the other day I had to buy some hair wax to keep it in place. It's not long enough, short enough yet for anything but to stick up here and there. The hair by my ears and on my neck seemed to grow faster then the rest and it was driving me nuts so I stopped by the "Butcher".

I go to this place called K&R Hair. It's one of those old fashioned hair places that have all but died out. Two chairs and two great women, Karen and Linda who run it. This isn't your hair cuts plus place where you never get the same person each time you go there. You get the same person..she remembers how you like you hair cut and remembers who you are.

These ladies are life friends. We have shared our stories of bad dye jobs, cuts and sadly out grown hair styles. We have shared our children's stories, our husband stories, or parents stories and our friend stories. We have given gifts, hugs and even advice. We have shared laughter, sorrow, grief, smiles and hugs. We have shared life and all in an hour, once a week, every 5 to six week.

So, this is also the first place I went to when it came time to shave my head. I went there, where else could I go? These ladies are family and they needed to be a part of what was going on. It was sad but uplifting when I watched my blond locks fall to the floor. I knew I was just starting my journey and shaving my head was something I had control over and not the cancer. Beside, I just could watch it fall out on it's own after I started treatment, it would be too heart breaking.

We shared stories of other women who had come there before and had breast cancer and are now just fine. We shared some jokes, laughter and most importantly they told me that I was beautiful. That my head was the correct shape for being bald. Can't get that kinda spirit lifting from quick cuts. Cancer takes away things that make you a women but these ladies gave a little of it back with their kind words of support.

The "Butcher" is what Ken calls Linda cause she cuts my hair. He has always wanted me to grow it out but every time I do, I can't stand it and go to her. She cuts it and he calls her a butcher for doing it...hahahaha. So, I went by there and the parking lot was empty and I figure..what the heck..I'd stopped.

It was great being there. It makes me feel like things are going back to normal. I didn't make another appointment but the day I do is the day things will REALLY feel like this cancer is in the past and my life goes on. I'm staring to look like Chris again, short hair, eye brows and eye lashes. Now the real question is....when can I get back to the number 10 blond I was..hahahahaha...maybe by Christmas, I don't want my hair to fall out again..so I'll wait...

I'll post a picture when my batteries charge on my camera..I promise!!!

No Bones About It

2007-10-11T12:48:00.001-05:00

Here's the last addition to the rolling Halloween display I call The Black Rose. I don't have a name for him yet but he's pretty cool. I got him for display for the trunk or treat I'm going to on Halloween.

I called the church before hand just to make sure it was "ok" with them that I bring the hearse. Some people don't like it and think you're into devil worshiping or worse if you have one. Some people think you're into goth or believe in spirits and ghost. To all of those people I say this...It's just a car people..lighten UP!!!!

Anyway, the lady at the church laughed and said it would be ok but now I'm thinking of calling them back and asking how any amps the church is rated for cause I wanta run some lights to it now..hahahahaha. I want the hearse to go out with a bang and since it's the holiday for it, this is going to be a bang!!!

I bought 5 bags of candy enough for about 200 kids or one hungry adult. So I think I'm set, all I need now is a name for the new one in the casket. Got any ideas???? No bones about it....it's going to be a blast....

Falling Leaves

2007-10-07T08:02:00.001-05:00

Here we are at one of the last cars shows of the year..The Bangor Apple Fest. It was a great time and can you believe it was 85 degrees in October??? It was hot this year and last year we froze, guess this is global warming fokes

I love the fall always have always will. I don't know what it is about this time of year but I feel alive. Full moon's, crisp air, the color in the leaves and the orange pumpkins, maybe it's all of those thing that make me love fall. Speaking of pumpkins, I went to the farmer's market and bought pie pumpkins. They made such wonderful pies that I went back the next week and bought a few more to keep for Thanksgiving.

It's so hard to believe that summer is gone, that time went so fast but I'm going to enjoy fall. There's a trunk or treat that I'm going to go to down the road at a church. The kids seem to love the hearse with all it's decor so they'll love it more with CANDY..LOL I'm stocking up right now cause I think these trunk or treats draw a big crowd. After Halloween, the hearse gets put up for the season. That's so sad cause I had so much fun but I can dream about next years when it gets a new paint job.

Ok, here's an update on how I'm feeling. I'm allergic to the anti cancer medicine they have given me. I don't know what is going to happen next but I'm going to tell ya this...I'm done with this cancer stuff. Please pray that I'm into menopause so they can just given me another pill to take. I don't want anymore operations cause I have a feeling they will want to take my ovaries out. My cancer feeds on my estrogen that my girls make and that's why we want me to be in menopause...no estrogen. I'm hoping that at the end of the month when I see Dr. Death he will have something else to try beside removing the gals...anyway, I am feeling good and work sucks. We all knew I'd say that sooner or later..LOL

Birthdays..Who Needs Them????

2007-09-25T06:29:00.000-05:00

Remember those childhood birthday, I do. My Mom would sit me on the table right next to the cake and take a picture, she did that one time and after that I have no memories of my birthday. Maybe I chose to forget those times in my life or maybe they weren't remembering? I don't have a clue as to why I hate my birthdays..but I do.

It's just another day..right? Another mile stone set in place. Another year past with all the things I said I do but never got to them. One more down and more to go. This is a day we look back and remember the things we could do before we got older....not this year!

I still don't like my birthdays but I think I like them better now. Cancer makes you rethink the whole birthday deal. Maybe, just maybe, birthdays are good. It does make another year that I am here, that I "made" it. I can now look back today a sigh about all the things that made up last year. What a year it was. Who would have thunk it, not me, not even in my wildest dreams.

I still wish that birthdays where like they where when we where children, they where full of excitement, presents and CAKE! That wonderful cake, gosh how I love cake..LOL

Now, don't think I didn't get any of those things today, I did. I had a nice dinner with Ken at our favorite spot, The Elbo Room and Ken did buy me a present, a blender. I made my birthday cake, which I might ad was yummy but this still didn't feel as much fun as when I was a child.

Oh well, maybe the point here is , birthday wishes....I have a few..(smile). So, I'm going to close my eyes and wish for..wait..I can't tell you cause it won't come true...Another year older but not much wiser..hehehehe.

Oh Hell..Hell Michigan That Is

2007-09-16T09:14:00.000-05:00

Amber and I went to Hell this weekend..

I thought it was fitting since I've been through hell and back, since I do own a hearse and the car show happened to be in Hell. Just Hearse-n-Around hearse club puts on a show in Hell for the past 6 years now. They had free food, dash plaques, door prizes and also a band called The Hearsemen which we thought was pretty good. There was about 45 to 50 hearses there from all over the state of Michigan, Ohio, Ind and Ill. This really surprised me but then again owning one of these surprises others.

Hell has a kitchen (food store), a ice cream place called Screams, a post office, a wedding chapel and a bar called the Damn Site Inn. It was so much fun! Amber had a great time cause Hell is a busy place. So many people stopping by Hell. One couple stopped to get married, there where quite a few bikers stopping and a car club from Canada stopped. Quite a busy place and everyone asked if the hearses where part of the display..lol

Just like everything in life some of these hearse owners took things to the edge but I can't judge what's right or wrong here. If you can get past the weird clothes, tats, hair color and all the piercing, some turned out to be pretty neat. Here are some more pictures..Amber and I are already looking forward to taking "The Black Rose" to Hell again next year....

What Me Labor On Labor Day???

2007-09-03T12:29:00.001-05:00

Me labor on Labor Day, that's just not going to happen! I spent the whole weekend either showing the hearse or working on it. Ken, myself and the car club went off to Belding, Michigan on Saturday for their car show. We had a total of four club members go and 2 won top 20, one being Ken. I myself found a dime in the gas station parking lot so we all win..hahahahaha It was a fun show with so many people stopping and taking pictures of the hearse.

There was another show in Muskegon, Michigan on Labor Day but I passed on that to work on the hearse. The vinyl top is really aging and peeling so I came up with the bright idea of putting truck bed liner over it to make it last just a little longer and seal out the moisture. I put on one can on Sunday and it turned out great! I had to go back over a few spots again cause the cracks where really deep and I ran out of bed liner paint. It looks super and I also used it on the lower runners of the hearse cause it was badly chipped and had a few rust spots.

Guess I could have worn gloves the first time cause now my hands are kinda spotted with the stuff. The can says it will ware off in two to three days..LOL I'm always doing things like that so that's nothing new. It just looks funny right now cause they look dirty but they're just stained. Well, at least my hands are protected from the rain now..hahahahaha

The pictures above where taken at the Belding car show. One is the hearse (of course), Ken with his trophy (He always wins..LOL) and Seemore my new companion. He doesn't talk, eat or needs to stop to go potty so he's perfect ridding partner..LOL

I can't believe that the summer is coming to an end..where did it go??? Oh, I know now..chemo and rads..LOL Happy Labor Day!!!!

Doctor Death Returns

2007-08-29T06:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the first time since July 3rd that I had to see DD again. I have to see him every 3 months now for a year, oh boy oh boy! Just like old times, it took forever. I had a 1:45 appointment and we didn't leave till 3. It just still blows my mind that they can just make us sit and wait that long.

Well, I got to see him and we maybe talked for about 10 mins. He said that I look good and then gave me a prescription for some pills that I have to take for the next 2 years. The pills, in the most simplest explanation is, they keep the cancer away. So, I guess I'll have to take the darn things..LOL

All in all, it was a good visit cause I did get to see my nurses who had to rub my head. My hair is really kicking it in now. I felt like a loved puppy with all the petting going on. It did make me feel sad to see all the new faces sitting in those chemo chairs. That was the only part I didn't like about being there..seeing those people sick again and remembering when it was me in that chair.

There's going to be some car shows this weekend but I'm not sure which one I'm going to yet. I ask Amber if she wanted to go to Hell with me on 15th of Sept. They have a big gathering of Hearses in Hell Michigan then. So, I guess we're going to Hell then and making it a Mom and daughter trip. It should be fun!

Now Comes Miles Stones

2007-08-25T09:44:00.000-05:00

Miles stones had now entered my life. Yes we all have them and take them for granted but now I can't. Since having cancer, mile stones are very important in my life. First there was Amber's wedding that I thought I wouldn't see. My baby all grown up taking her soul mate in front of God and others. Still brings tears to my eyes!

The next ones kinda weird but hey so am I. Last year Amber and I went to the Metro Cruise in Grand Rapids. The Metro Cruise is an event where the area cars..vintage, hot rods and any other thing on wheels, show up and park and cruise a 15 miles stretch of road. It's a huge event kinda like the Woodward cruise here in Michigan. Last year her and I went in the Jeep to meet our car club to sit and watch the miles of cool cars drive before us. Ken had his car and Amber got to ride in some of our club members cars. It was nice but I did say something to her which has now become a mile stone.

Amber, I said, if I get a hearse next year you and I are cruising this. She was so excited but I somehow knew I couldn't pull it off and perhaps this might be an empty promise. Well!!!! The hearse dream did come true and my daughter and new hubby are going to cruise with the best of them today! With being told that I had cancer in Jan. I knew that a car was out of my dreams..God works in wonders now doesn't he???

Our car club is all set up on 28th street for all of us to sit and watch and the guys have a BIG spot saved for us. This is a mile stone, this is going to be so much fun and yes..I'll post a few pictures of the fun. Here's the web site you can visit which will tell you more about the Metro Cruise..

I'm going to enjoy this mile stone with my daughter with a hot dog , pop and mostly with driving around in my car. Was the cancer a blessing? Who knows only time will tell but so far..it does look that way.

Amber's Wedding Part 2..maybe A Part 3 Next??

2007-08-19T08:50:00.000-05:00

What a day!!! I can't explain all the emotions I had but I cried a lot. Ken and myself looked great and it was super to see all the ex family members and my family members again. Ken's daughters came and it was just lovely!

The sun took a dive for the wedding and it was slightly overcast which made it perfect! We helped decorate the alter and the chairs and shortly after that my daughter showed up. I believe I cried from the time I saw her till the time we went home that night. She was beautiful!!! I helped her get into her gown and cried..I cried on the way there..hell I was a sobbing mess(hahaha). Our first stop was at Speedway but not for gas for Kleenex..

I guess it all hit me..I made this...I fought the battle over cancer and made it to this day to see my daughter be married. Thanks to Ken who kept telling me I would. There is nothing like seeing this but I wish she was a baby again in my arms with the whole world ahead. I know they have the whole world ahead as a couple but still..lol

Ps..Next stop Grand babies..so they better get started..hahahahah

Here's some pictures with more after they get devolped..I promise..

Amber's Wedding Part 1

2007-08-18T06:56:00.001-05:00

I can't believe that my daughter's wedding is happening. Thursday I went and had my nails done. I haven't had nail since they told me no when I started chemo. They said that my white blood count would be too low and I might get an infection with acrylic nails. I feel so much better now that I have them back. The ladies at the nail shop had thought I died, which I thought was funny.

Friday, was the day of Amber's rehearsal at the church. She and her girl's where getting their nails done so I met them at the nail place. I told Amber that I was taking the hearse but she didn't know what I was doing with it...

You wouldn't believe the stares and people laughing as I took the "Bride's last Ride" to the nail shop. Amber was so surprised and happy that I had did that for her. I made Am wear some thing I brought for her..
Here's some more pictures at the church, wedding party, Amber and her Dad and some of me and the kids. Tomorrow I'll have some more up. We had a great time and the hearse was a super hit with the bride and groom....

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

2007-08-16T12:56:00.000-05:00

Well it's been two weeks since I've returned to work and it sucks..LOL. Ok, I missed it but not that much. The new company that took over cut my pay and raised our health care payment. The lunch room has become a warehouse and they ripped up the gym and it's used for storage. There is so much crammed into this plant that they are now using the parking lot for rack storage. I can't believe it has turned into such a place but it does pay me and I have health insurance.

With Amber's wedding this Saturday I thought I'd go to this shop in Zeeland that carries wigs and stuff for breast cancer ladies. It was a lovely shop full of hair. I didn't want a wig, I just wanted maybe a scarf to wear with my dress. Amber told me I didn't need hair, that she loves me just the way I am.

The lady sitting there started asking me questions and I told her I just wanted a scarf. The prices on the wigs ranged from 150 to over 300. I told her that for a one day thing I just didn't want one. I never wanted one from the start and I didn't feel I needed one for the wedding...I just want a scarf. Well, they didn't have a scarf and the lady said things to make me feel bad about how I looked so I'd buy hair from her.

Just think of how you'll look in pictures or your daughter would feel better if you looked better with hair. I couldn't believe what was coming out of the mouth of this person who should be supporting breast cancer patients. Personally I feel pretty damn good about how I look, I just wanted a little something nice to wear..not a 200 dollar wig that I would not feel like myself in.

I left that store feeling badly about myself till I got about half way home and realized that she just prayed upon my self esteem trying to make a sale. I should have gone back and given her a piece of my chemo brain but I figured I better not. I am proud to be bald..I will not let this poor women get the best of me. I will hold my head high at my daughter's wedding and be proud of her. I know my daughter is proud of me and is happy to have me around, hair or no hair.

Cancer sucks but the people who deal with cancer patients shouldn't. That's my two cents on that and I'll get off my soap box now and enjoy my daughter's wedding..

Starting New Again

2007-08-10T10:20:00.000-05:00

I started work all over again new. My first day back no one really knew who I was which was kinda sad. Yes, I did get some people who recognized me but most didn't. Day two wasn't much better either and I couldn't figure out why. I hadn't changed much except for the hair and maybe a few extra pounds but I was still me. On day three I did something which changed everything..I wore the green baseball hat. The dirty, ripped and mostly worn out hat was me!! Everyone smiled and realized that it was Chris and she was back. That's so funny how a hat can be the thing that people recognize you with.

It is great being back to work but I'm tired. It's so frustrating that I can't remember things about my job. I know I'll learn again but it was just wiped out by chemo. Even the names of people I've forgotten! But I love shipping and I love being there. As they say..It's good to be alive.

My whole out look has changed now, when it was so hot at work people complained but I just thought this was way better then chemo. When they complained about things at work or in their lives I kept thinking how great it was to be alive to feel those things. It's is good to be here, alive, tired and hot! I won't take those things for granted again. Live, love and laugh. You don't understand those things till you face something that could take them away.

Next week is my daughter's wedding and I have to settle down and buy a dress. I've been putting it off cause I hate shopping and cause I've been busy with the hearse. Yes, I did get it and I love it. It is so much fun and I've wanted one for such a long time so why not. Someone asked me at work if I bought it cause I was dieing and I was picky about what I rode in when I die. I just about peed my depends..LOL

So, I'm going to keep this blog going and I'm glad you guys have enjoyed it. It is fun and I'll keep it going for as long as I can. Remember..get out there and enjoy whatever it is your doing!! Life is tooooo short....

Finished!!

2007-07-31T10:33:00.001-05:00

I ran my race having cancer and did my time and now I'm done. Goody, goody for me! It seems like only yesterday I started all this an now it's ended. I woke up today and realized that I didn't have any treatments, Doctor appointment or anything I had to be at and that felt kinda weird. It is a good weird though.

I went to work today to hand in my paper work and see the nurse to ok me for work. I guess I passed with flying colors cause they are going to let me return. It's going to be strange going back but I really do need to go. My energy is getting back up there everyday and I feel like my old self once more.

I have 4 days off before I go back to work so now I'm going to relax. HAHAHAHA..me relax?? I started painting the inside of the garage cause it looked dirty so I guess that's not relaxing now is it??? Ok, maybe tomorrow after I clean the house or maybe the next day after I mow the grass. Ok..ok..the next day for sure after I go shopping. Wait a minunit..guess I don't relax much..hahahaha. See you guys at work on the 6th...

I owe, I owe, It's Off To Work I go...

2007-07-25T09:15:00.000-05:00

I'm on the home stretch now, there's only 3 more rads treatments and I'm done. I can't wait to walk out of the office and be finally done with all of this. There's going to be check ups but not having to go every day well be great. Ken's going to miss the orange juice that I bring home every day so I guess I'll have to buy him a jug of it..hahaha.

Ok, I'll be heading back to work..drum roll please...Aug 6. That's my official day back and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone there. I just hope I can remember what I do, darn chemo brain! My rads are done on the 3rd so I'll have 5 days with no doc appointment, no treatment and no ANY thing. They said I needed more time then that to rest but I've rested to the point that I hate resting..hahahaha.

Amber's wedding date is getting closer now and I have to go to a bridal shower for her. I don't have a clue when it comes to who should be giving what so the grooms step mom is giving it for her. I am really thankful for that cause I know I couldn't do it cause I'm still in pain from the rads. Now, since things are wrapping up with me, I can spend more time helping her get things ready. Amber has been planning this whole thing on her own cause I've been too sick to help in any way.

I guess you can't pick when you're going to get sick. I wish I could have but things will work out. Now the hard question for me isn't should I get up and try to walk but what to wear..what to wear..hahahaha. It's great feeling better again!

Cancer Machine

2007-07-19T05:27:00.000-05:00

I have just starting realizing that cancer never sleeps. It's like a huge machine that doesn't slow down but just keeps moving along. After my last chemo, I noticed that new people where just coming in to take my spot. And, now that I'm doing rads, the same thing is happening there. My friends that finished before me, are now being replaced by new friends that have just started. I'll be done with rads hopefully on the 30th of July, if all goes well with the machine and they don't cancel on me.

So far I haven't been one of the lucky ones with no skin reaction. You know I couldn't just breeze through this treatment..hahahaha. So far just my collar bone and under the mountain has blistered and become painful enough that I can't sleep at night. This is still better then my worse day of chemo. I have just 7 more zaps and this is just to the tumor site so my skin should heal up soon.
This weekend I'm off to M.I.S (Michigan International Speedway) for a car show and a few laps around the track in the Nova. This is such a great time and the Road Rodz have such a fun, I just can't stay home. I'm tired and burned but I'm going!

I'm not going to let cancer and it's crap treatments stop me from having fun. I haven't let it win so far and since I can see the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train, it's not going to win now. The huge cancer machine can just keep moving along without me. I'm going to M.I.S and have me a drink to celebrate my living with this and all my friends who couldn't live with it and have passed to a better place.

Fried...

2007-07-15T10:12:00.000-05:00

They told me at the rad place that I would either have little, some or no skin reaction to radiation. The doc also said since I was doing chemo and rads at the same time my skin would react badly. Well, I feel like a fried chicken right now. There's three spots which hurt the some. One being right by my collar bone, there's one under my arm and lastly one under the mountain. The one under the mountain hurts the most and has blistered some. YEAH!

I just can't believe the things you have to go through when you have cancer but beating it is worth all the pain but not the needles. I'm on 23 out of 33 treatments so far and the last 7 will be what they call boosters. They will just radiate where the tumor was so the three spots will start healing after that.

It won't be long now and I'll be back to work. I wonder if I remember how to drive my hilo..hahahahaha. I am aiming for the end of the month to go back and harass everyone. Don't be shocked guys if I don't have much hair. It's growing back but I don't think there's going to be much by that time.

Ken's been keeping me busy lately with car shows and I think I may have even found a cheap hearse to buy. You guys thought I forgot about getting a hearse huh? Nope, I figure you only live once so I'm going to change things around a bit and if I can go for something..I'm going to. Plus, a hearse with flames is one cool ride. I'd like to get it before the 28th street cruise but who knows, I have to look at it yet. And, no..I will not be for hire..hahahahaha

Chemo Head And The Wedding

2007-07-09T04:56:00.001-05:00

Some of you know what the term Chemo head is but for those who don't I'll explain it. Chemo head is the result of the chemical called chemo that kill off cells (good or bad) in our body when we fight cancer. It somehow reacts in our brain and we forget. Yup, forget simple things, it's like a blond moment..hahahaha

I been having this off and on and it's the one thing I can't seem to fight. I felt great before my last chemo and my daughter, Amber, came over and starting talking about her wedding this Aug. She hasn't been telling me much cause of how sick I've been and now since I'm almost done she asked me to get her something for it..a unity candle.

OK, that's easy, I could do that so I stopped off at my mom's and tried to explain what it was my daughter wanted and all that I could remember was a utility candle. My mom who is 83 and in the same mind frame as myself agreed and thought a utility candle would be fine but didn't know where in the wedding she would use it.

I'm off to Younkers (at least remembered the store) to get this candle. I was so proud of myself to be well enough to do something for Amber and excited to be out. I walked in the store and went blank..hahaha I remembered she wanted towels which I found no problem but all I could remember was utility candle. I figured that candle had to be where they kept the wedding stuff and walked over there. This kind clerk looked at me (I'm bald) and asked me if I needed help.

I asked her where do you keep the utility candles, my daughter wants one for her wedding. The clerk looked at me and started laughing..you mean a unity candle. I started laughing. Another chapter of laughs thanks to cancer and chemo. I really should write this stuff down before I head out in public...hahahaha

Hair Today..Gone Tomorrow

2007-07-07T09:03:00.000-05:00

Here's the hair that's been growing since my last picture. I know it's isn't pretty but it is hair..LOL My port came out yesterday and it wasn't too bad. After they numbed me with a needle and yanked it here and yanked it there, it came out. Ken was fascinated by the whole thing saying, look at that, wow no blood and I can't believe that was in her. Mean while, I was turning white and passing out at each comment. Men are like little boys when it comes to this, they are fascinated by noise, bright flashy things and YUCK. I wouldn't have made it without him there so I have to put up with the silly guy things. I am a sissy when it comes to this stuff but Ken kept slugging my arm telling me..You're ok..it's ok (Yeah Right). Men, I think if it was him having it yanked out, he would have been in a ball coward in a corner...hahahaha Got to love the guys in our lives....

Cancer Independence Day

2007-07-03T08:40:00.000-05:00

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Today is the day I've waited for and it now here..No More Chemo! Before I go off on a deep mind bending long post, I want to give thanks to everyone who has stood by me through all of this. My family has been there with laughter and jokes and tears.

My co-workers who have asked so many time about how I'm doing or have come here to be kept updated. It has meant so much to me to hear that you guys have asked Ken about me. I know most of you wanted to come over and check up but I appreciate you guys understanding that. It won't be long now and you people will be hoping I take vacation cause your tired of my flack.

I also want to thank my ladies from www.breastcancer.org. I wouldn't have gotten this far with my treatment without the kindness and prayer and encouragement they have given me. This group is from all over the world and have shared stories of family, pain, treatment, tips, pictures of loved one, scares and most of all faith in that there will be better times for all of us with cancer.

Then there's my car club, The Road Rodz and all I can say is these guys (and ladies) WOW me. The Ride For The Cure really meant so very much to me and that is something I won't forget. You guys are the BEST. Next year I am planning to run that thing so you guys better be up for it..LOL

And, there's Ken and his family who have been super. Ken has been my rock, driver, cook, nurse, friend and care giver all during this. I truly don't know how I would have ever gotten through this without him to care for me. I know you didn't have to Ken but I know you would do it again in a heart beat.

I remember starting this out and said in one of my post that I didn't mind detours off the road cause you see things you may have not. This statement has come true for me now cause if I didn't have cancer, I wouldn't have met all the great people or have done all the things I have up to this point. During this detour I have met people who have inspired me to live. I would not have been able to cheer up and help those I have talked to if I didn't have cancer. It's hasn't been so bad if you look at it that way.

Yes, I didn't like the things that have happened to me but it's almost over and looking back, it was crap but I understand why God blessed me with this and I wouldn't change a thing! Happy 4th of July everyone or should I say..Happy Cancer Independence Day!!!!

Mom, Are We There Yet???

2007-06-30T07:43:00.000-05:00

Three days and counting till chemo no more. I wonder if this will be like Christmas? You wait, get excited and poke around the present thinking you'll get that super toy that you wanted. Then the day comes and in a flurry of flying wrapping paper, you realize that you just got underwear. I am hoping that this last chemo won't be an underwear moment.
When this is done, it's done for me. I am happy that soon my life won't be caught up in Doctor appointments and exams. I'm not scared to be not going each week, cause that place is depressing. Who wants to be depressed each and every week for 6 months..not me!
I'll be done with chemo after Tuesday the 3rd and also half way done with radiation. It's going to be a big week for me and I hope there won't be any underwear surprises for me around the corner...

Yoda and Me

2007-06-25T06:08:00.001-05:00

If I had pointy ears and green skin I'd look just like Yoda right now. The stubble that's coming in I don't think is going to stay but at least it's making me look a little normal now..hahahaha

One week and counting till last chemo and then I'm done. I want to be done cause I hate this. I hate not being myself and being bald and tired and..and..and.. The list can go on and it's long. The 4th of July will be my independence day from cancer!

Right now it looks like I'll be back to work sometime in July. I'm looking forward to that cause it is one step to normal. My rads however won't be done till the end of July which bothers me cause it will be covered under our "new company" insurance. That 6,000 bucks out of pocket cost isn't going to work well for my zero in pocket income but I guess we'll make it somehow. I am sure that pay cut I receive when I return isn't going to help my zero in pocket much either..hahahaha

Ken's son is spending some of his summer vacation with us and it's been fun. Gosh, I wish I was a kid again and got to spend the summer sleeping late and doing nothing. I'm almost doing that now except the steroids make me not sleep and the joint pain from chemo makes me do nothing. Awww, to be young again..

X Ray Vision

2007-06-21T06:04:00.000-05:00

So far, so good. I'm on my second week of rads and things are going great. I just lay on the table and machine zaps me and DONE! No needles, no shots, no pokes, and you don't get sick. I wish all the treatments where like this! I just love me rads Doc. She looks like a mad scientist for the movies. I seem to like the weird Doctors but that's me..hahahaha

The count down has started till the last chemo..12 days and counting. Then, the Friday after that I get my port taken out. I am over joyed about that thing being removed but it's the removal that's got me a little concerned. They had to put me in the hospital to put it in under twilight meds BUT to take it out, I just go in the Doctors office. That seem just not right and seems like a Chris is going to pass out visit.

One more thing..I have stubble..hair is starting to grow back. I don't think it's going to stay but Ken thinks it will. What's the color???? Going to have to wait on that one cause it's not long enough to tell yet. Of all the things to get excited about..hair..hahahahaha I guess it's the little things now that just mean I'm coming back to the land of the living....

Race For The Cure

2007-06-18T05:42:00.001-05:00

WE went to the race for the cure this weekend and I was blown away! I say we cause what started out to be just Ken and myself turned into our club, The Road Rodz being there too and it touched my heart. This was the first year the Race organizers had a car show and we just happened upon it when I was getting my rads. Ken thought it would be good to support since I couldn't walk this year. My chemo was the Tuesday before the walk and I just couldn't do much.
Saturday came and we where going to meet in the parking lot of I-Hop but we got there first. I can't tell you how great it was to see our Gang roll off that highway! It was very impressive. The place was the West Ottawa High School Track and Field and the grass was to die for. They really keep the school grounds very clean and nice. For the first year of doing a car show, they did nicely. Each car had a can and you could vote for your favorite by making a donation in the cars can. They told us they got more cars then ever expected and just the cars alone raised over $500.oo toward the cure.
Two things brought tears to my eyes that day..the paper bags lined the track with names and faces of loved ones that had passed with cancer or that are fighting it and the fact that a bunch of rag tag gear heads showed their support to me. Not many have and I understand the reason why..time and the lack of it BUT these guys will always wow me...

One More To Go

2007-06-13T05:59:00.001-05:00

I got number 5 down and there's only ONE more to go. I can't believe I have made it this far without killing Dr. Death and his underling. I had a few questions about my chemo when I went in . I was questioning the fact that my kind of chemo only benefited 8% out of 100 women using the drug they gave me and also I found out that the drug could possible give me leukemia down the road. How cool is that..fight cancer and the cure drugs give you cancer back..SUPER DUPER!!!

I waited with my questions just burning a hole in my hand, all typed out, numbered with studies name and Doctors who researched it. And, much to my suprize..the underling walks in not Dr Death and I was all ready for him..Will she got the wrath of this bald, no eye lash or eye brow women. I was on fire and made her start quoting different big worded studies at me that I didn't understand BUT I understood one thing...I wasn't doing all this shit to get another cancer in the end.

I wanted clear and direct answers and I got that. I am getting the best standard care possible and new research comes out everyday which is great but I can't second guess myself on the combo of drugs they give me. While one my not work by it self alone, in comb it does help some. And as far as getting another cancer, that is a very slight risk but having my cancer come back cause I didn't take everything possible would be greater. So babies, I am throwing the sink at this and come what may, it's in Gods hands.

Well she left and I felt better and ready to get that chemo but I must have rattled her cage and she (cry baby) sent in Doc Death..hahahaha. By that time I really wasn't out for bear anymore and we had a nice chat about getting my port out and his children. I am such a pickle!!!!

While I was getting prepped for chemo, Dr. Death cam out to visit me which kinda scared me cause I know he don't like me. But we talked about stretching my chemo out so it won't be so hard on my body..NOOOOOO WAYYYY! One more shot, one more poke verses 3 once a week, No freaking way. I told him I was the disgruntled chemo girl and he told me he was the disgruntled Doc..hahaha. I guess his comment was due to the fact that I asked him if he got kick out of the Onc conference last weekend cause he drank too much when he attended those after he told me he didn't go cause of his kid. That wouldn't have anything to do with it..I don't think..Wink

Well, I'm off to rads now..one down 32 to go. I love those ladies but I think I have to take their markers away from them. they keep marking off the mountain and the stuff doesn't wash off right way. I feel like a dry erase board..Love you guys!

Summer..Summer..Summer

2007-06-08T05:30:00.000-05:00

It's kinda funny how when you're young all the great loves of your life start in summer. You know those summer romances, you remember them, as I do too. There's all sorts of books, movies and songs on this subject which makes me wonder..will I fall in love with my Radiation?? (hahahaha)

I start my rads next week Tuesday and I am doing this along with chemo. I have to go everyday for 33 times and then I'm done with that. With the price of gas, I'll be GLAD to be done with it then I am sure. Also next Tuesday will be the 5th round of chemo out of 6. I AM ALMOST DONE!!!!!!

I went last week to get mapped out for rads which wasn't to bad. I was excited about getting more tattoos (hahahaha) but what I didn't know was how they where going to do it. I figured they'd tatt me like the artist that I had gone to before did, with a gun. WRONG!, they used India ink and a needle and it hurt like hell. YUP, a needle and we all know how much I hate those. So now I have three little dots on the mountains which should line me up to get zap.

So, I am starting off this summer with a new love. radiation and I hope it dumps in in the end like all good summer loves do......

Tum..Tum..Tums

2007-06-01T05:33:00.000-05:00

I had a scare this week and I figured I'd share cause it along with this whole cancer thing..pisses me off. When I had chemo they do a complete blood test, which I never had a problem with. Last time, after I got home, the nurse called and asked me if I was taking a calcium supplement cause my levels where really high. Told me no and asked..is this a problem???? Oh, no...it's fine, we'll recheck next week..have a great week.

Ok, after that you would think every thing is fine and not to worry..right??? Next week came and I go to get my blood tested again like I do every week but this time they draw it from a vein which till now, it's just been a pin prick. OK, on to the nurse to get the results. Ok, now I ask her..this calcium thing is ok..right???? There's no issue with it being high..right???? Right????

Yes Mary Ellen, there's an issue with it being high! When you have cancer in your bones your calcium level is high cause your bones are trying to repair themselves. The scare with mine being high was that the cancer had spread into my bones. Now that would be something to worry about ya think?? I think that wouldn't be "fine".
Nurse told me the test results would be back the next day and she'd call me if there was an issue.

It took me two calls there the next day to find out my results. I wasn't waiting for the next shoe to be dropped on me..I wanted to know, was it high again..did my cancer some how spread! I worried my bald little head off and this. Well, now this was a kick in the pants..ready???

Before my chemo, I had taken a few Tums to settle my tummy cause I was nervous and had drank too much coffee before my treatment. The Tums have calcium in them to help your bones and such. The freaking Tums spiked the level of calcium in my blood and made it look like the cancer had spread! The blood test came back and there was no problem with it. Great huh???? SO, the moral of this little story is....Don't take Tums before a blood test..they'll think you have bone cancer.

I'm fine, pissed but fine, and now I'm off to get me some of that sweet radiation that will give me x-ray vision. So you guys better be careful around me cause I'll be able to see what ya wear under there...hahahahaha

Radiation Coming Soon To A Person Near You

2007-05-29T04:28:00.000-05:00

Had a great weekend but felt like crap. This new round of chemo is yucky. It makes my bones hurt a lot more then the other stuff did and they said it would be easier..NOT! The Hearse show was super even if I felt bad. Not only did I get to see those sweet last ride car but a couple people showed up that I hadn't seen for ages. You don't know what you have till it gone and that's how I felt.

So, this Friday I am off to the Rad place to get talked to and hopefully marked up. They tattoo ya with little dots so that they can sent up the machine and zap ya quick. The nurse told me this so I wouldn't be upset about the tattoo's. I don't think she was using her good eye that day..have you seen me sister??? You would think the one on my neck would be a sign that I like tatts..hummmmmm maybe not??

Anyway, I am excited about this journey ending soon and getting the rads just means it's almost done. The goal is almost reached and yes Mary Ellen..there is a Santa Claus and he's going to bring my hair back..hahaha. Normal will once again reign supreme and I'll wonder how I ever did any of this.

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights

2007-05-23T06:05:00.000-05:00

Another treatment do and 2 to go. You know if I was getting over 400.00 dollars for seeing patience, I would be on time. They don't get tardies, or dock pay, these docs can show up anytime they want and just explain away. As you can tell Doc Death was late. I was there on time but I don't get paid over $400.00 to be..LOL

Anyway, everything went good with this part of the treatment expect for all the waiting and there was a lot this time. First Doc Death, then my nurse Chris who I liked the first time but don't anymore, started my drip but didn't check to see if she had turned on the meds. Again, how much do these people get payed? What should have been a 2 hour deal turned into 4+ hour but I got to have a room cause she told me I might be whacked out from this. Boy O Boy was she right.

They gave me some good stuff that I didn't even know where I was for about an hour or two. Good thing I didn't have any reaction to the meds and it did go well. Another good thing is that I am going to start my Rads sooner then expected. I wanted to get everything done before I return to work so I ask Doc Death if I could do the radiation while I was doing the last part of chemo. It's a go! Next week I go and get mapped out and off to the rads I go. They may have to give me less chemo and space out the last part of my treatment but everything should be rapped up by the time I have to come back.

That's such good news for us! Other good news is that Ken and I had a great time at the Burn Survivors car show. I even met a lady who had the same hair style as me..bald! We have another show coming up, the Hearse and Hot Rod show this Saturday May 26th. I have another blog just for our car club if you want to check it out it's WWW.roadrodz.blogspot.com or just look on this page under me or the link. Stop by and check us out, I'll be the stiffy in the chair..Love you guys

Who's Balder??

2007-05-15T11:03:00.000-05:00

Had my wbc (white blood count) today and I am perfect. Again, that's good, so it's chemo as planned next Tuesday. While I was sitting there waiting for the results from the test, this older gentleman and I decided to have a I am balder then you contest. He won cause he shaved his head but he got to see mine which still has some faint hair on it. The whole roomed laughed at us but that was the point, to have fun. As this lady was leaving she stopped and told me her friend had chemo and her hair came back nice and thick. That was nice of her to say that but I'm not worried, I just wonder what color or if it will be straight or curly?

After chemo, your hair comes back but it comes back totally different. I don't know why but that's what Doc Death told me. It's going to be Christmas on my head..a SURPRISE! So start your betting pools but I'm betting on blond. It's going to be that color reguardless..LOL.

This Saturday, Ken and I are going to be in a car show at 5th 3rd Ball Park so if anybody is Bord Saturday..come on down! Just look for the Nova and a bald girl sitting by it. There shouldn't be to many of those around ya think??? Should be a good time but I'm a cheap date, hot dogs and a pop and I'm happy.

And, I just wanted to thank all you formerly known as JCI workers who read this and or leave comments. As I said before, I miss you people and I can't wait to see ya all again so don't quit before I get back..ya hear! I know things there are crappy now but wait till I'm there...I'll make it crappyer...hahahahaha.

What About????

2007-05-07T07:31:00.000-05:00

Well, this last treatment really got to me. I knew that each chemo treatment builds up in your body but this time it was bad. I'm usually up and sorta running by Saturday after my treatment on Tuesday but this time I wasn't. The Neaulasta shot made my body feel like I got 2nd degree burns on it. My neck, shoulders, back and hips couldn't stand being touched. When I took a shower, the water hurt me and I couldn't stand it. It takes about two days for that feeling to ware off but it really wore me out. I was also more tired and dizzy this time but I'm always dizzy..hahahaha

My sister came over Sunday to bring me an orchid which I will kill cause I'm terrible with house plants. But she asked me questions that made me think..When will they know the chemo is working and when will you be cured???? What do ya say to those things knowing that the answer is I don't know and maybe in 5 years if nothing happens. The term living with cancer hit me then. That's what is going to happen to me, living with cancer. After all this intense care, they will turn me lose and tell me to live my life but if I have symptoms, call!

I have two roads I can go down now with living with cancer. One road would be to think about every ache and pain and call them and have un-ending Doc appointments....OR...Not thinking about it. If you know me, I'm not going to think about it again. This whole cancer thing sucks and I'm ready to be over with it. I'm sick of being sick and I'm just not going to let it control my life. It's taken up too much of my time and money as is and giving it my life would be just stupid!

I do have to wait 5yrs to see if I'm cured. That's the magic time limited they put on my cancer to show it's self again. In that time I could be ran over by a bus or all sorta terrible things so if you think of it that way, it kinda puts everything in it's place.

I wish I had better answers for this but I don't. Wish I never had cancer, but I do. Wishes are like assholes..everyones got one...hahahahaha. That puts everything into perpective..doesn't it???

Dr. Death Underling

2007-05-02T11:58:00.000-05:00

Well, I am half way!!!!!! YEAH!!!!! Now I get to start a new chemo for 3 more time and then I'm done! Well I'm done with the chemo part then it's out comes the port and on to the radiation. This feels like it's taking forever but it's going so smoothly that I can complain much but you know I'm going to...

We went for round number 3 today and like always it goes, take blood, see Dr. Death and then chemo. Well my nurse Matt wasn't there today and I got nurse Chris. Ok, I only liked her cause her name was Chris..LOL. She hooked up my port and that hurt like hell and she took my blood. Did I mention before that I HATE needles??? So any shot or poke I can't stand. You would think after all this I would get use to it but it feels like the first time every time.

Anyway, she took my blood and then I had to go and wait for Dr. Death to come around and do his thing. Guess Dr. Death was too busy or perhaps too scared of me so he sent his underling..Sharon. She's the Dr. who works under him and the one he thinks I won't act up with cause she's a women. Well, today she had some high school child with her who wants to be a Onc big mistake..lol I was already pissed cause I just wanted my chemo and out the door happy I would go but now she's using me as a training school for some snot nosed kid who from the looks of her never worked a hard day in her life.

OK, before ya go off and say..now Chris be nice..I was up until Dr. Sharon had to explain everything she was doing and saying to me to this girl. I finally interrupted one of her speeches and say if there's not anything else, I want to get this show on the road, so if you don't mind, I'm going to get my chemo now. Ken just laughed but he wanted to get going too since he hadn't got any sleep yet. Chemo day is a long day for Ken so he gets grumpy too.

Now, I'm off to get the Neaulasted shot and try to not be so grumpy but I know that won't last. I've got a few days in the fog to go till I fell better again BUT..I am half done and that is one great feeling!!

Are We There Yet Toto?

2007-04-24T23:47:00.000-05:00

I've had my two white count blood test since my last chemo and both turned out great! Each one my count was well above normal so I guess that 3,000.00 shot helped..ya think? Next week Tuesday is my 3rd chemo and that puts me half way. The next 3 will be of a different kind and they tell me it won't be as hard as the shit they give me now. They are only giving the worst crap in the book but if it kicks the cancer then I guess it's OK if it kicks my ass.

The picture above is what I've been doing since they told me I had breast cancer, quilting. I made this quilt and I'm pretty happy the way it turned out. I've had this idea floating around in my head so now was the time to do it. It's made of old flannel shirts and blue jean material. The back is also of flannel and the batting is an old blanket. I like to reuse things, make something beautiful or useful out of items that are on their way to the trash. The name of this quilt is..drum roll please....'Flannel Cult" When I finished this it reminded me of the dock , how cold it was and how the three of us dressed alike, in flannel. Eric, Arnold and myself all have the same flannel coat and the drivers would ask us if we belonged to a cult cause we all looked alike.

At least NOW I can say we do all look alike cause I'm bald. Maybe I'll get Kenny to take a pic of me and I'll put it up here. It's OK being bald, I don't miss my hair much but it does hurt when you burn the dome. I didn't wear a hat the other day and I got a sun burn..hahahahaha. I feel for those guys that don't have hair and get burned, it hurts! I'm going to have to get some sun screen and put it on my head. Who would have ever thought I'd be doing that? Not me. It still makes me laugh.

Go Speed Racer..GO

2007-04-16T18:49:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a week since the last chemo and I will say it hit me harder then the first. Having chemo doesn't hurt but it screws me up. I figured by last Saturday that I'd be back to normal but because the chemo keeps building up in my body, it took longer. It feels like everything is moving really fast and I'm in slow motion. Mostly my body hurts and my head feels like it's five times it actual size. They tell me to drink water and flush it out of my system but then I become the potty queen and I hate spending all that time flushing.

Last Saturday, I tried so hard to be able to be right to go out with some friends at night. The Road Rods is the name of Ken's car club that he has belonged to for awhile now. I met this great bunch of people two years ago and have had fun adventures with them since then. They are like family now, the kind of family you love but never tell anyone about cause they won't quite understand them. The list of characters isn't long but each one has a place in the club and in my heart.

Needless to say, I pushed myself to going which I probably shouldn't have but it was a night out, a date night. Ken and I haven't had a night out and I wanted some norm. I wanted my friends to know that I was ok even if I didn't feel like it. Sometimes you just have to feel normal and that's what we both needed. It was a great night and the only problem I had was keeping up with the conversation. It was hard for me cause my head hadn't cleared up and I still had in-land fog going on in there.

I am looking forward to all the car shows this summer. I love car shows. It's fun looking at all the hard work and love these people put into their car. And, yes, I did sew some new things for the car this year but the car didn't get new seat covers. Last year the car had it's own quilt but this year we are retiring the quilt and now have new..oh I almost let it slip. You guys are going to have to go to a car show and see the Nova to know what's new..Got ya..

So You Found The Comments Section

2007-04-10T15:43:00.000-05:00

Well I can now say that my fellow workers are smart. You guys finally found the comment section and I will say..it's about time. I figured that you gentlemen couldn't type or that maybe you gents where being sensitive to my issues. I laughed at the last sensitive part so it has to be the non typing thing. You boys need to grow some hair and stop wearing flannel..hahahahaha. Wait a minunite..I have no hair and wear flannel, it's a cult and we all look alike.

Now on to other things here. Today was chemo day #2 and it was pretty fun. We had a early appointment and I had to get the works, blood, see Doc Death and get my jungle juice. The nurse brought us to the same room as before and I being to think they only have this one room..hahaha. We waited for about 30 mins and the nurse told us Doc Death was running on time today..yeah, right..if that's on time I would hate to see this guy run late! Anyway, he comes in and closes the door on his hand! Yup, on his hand. I almost lost it and I tried not to laugh when he told me he had to step out into the hall and scream. Oh my gosh now that was funny but he'll probably add that to my bill..hahaha. He told me I was doing great and that was it. What a super guy..hahaahaha...he must be a riot at parties.

We didn't get a private room today but that's ok cause it was fun just the same. My nurse Matt, yes nurse Matt..hahaha was just so happy to see me. At least this time I got his name right and didn't call him the nurse with the limp wrist. Matt somehow thinks I'm a trouble maker and I don't know where he would get that from. Oh, and Matt did have a limp wrist, he pinched a nerve it went limp..hahahahah. Matt gets to rub and poke my breast so I am sure he's a happy camper. My port is right above my left breast so each time he gets a peek..hahahaha. I have to go back tomorrow to have my white blood shot, Nuelasta, and Matt said he wished he would be there cause that shot hurts like hell and he wanted to give it to me. As you can plainly see, Matt is in love with me..hahaha.

One thing about not sitting in a private room that I liked is that you can talk to other people who are getting chemo too. And, I could also watch Ken fall asleep and snore while all the chemo patience tried to be quite around him so he could get his rest. One guy sitting next to me was taking experiential drugs for his cancer. He wasn't given any chances to live but is doing pretty good he told me. I know I am sick but I almost feel healthy compared to him. Another lady talk to me and she has had her cancer since 2001. She looked so bad and she laughed when I took off my bandanna to show her that I had no hair left.

Cancer is horrible! It robs you of who you are and takes all your money to pay for it. That shot that I have to have each time cost over 3,000 a pop and some insurances don't cover it. This cancer that has adopted my body has made me see things in a different light and it has also made me see other people have it worse and still have a smile. What else do we have but that? So when something isn't going just right in your life, think of this, smile and say to yourself just how good you have it..I know I do

Counting..1..2..3..

2007-04-03T15:54:00.000-05:00

Had to go to the chemo place today for another cbc (white blood count test). My sister took me today so that Ken could have a break and also so she could see where I go. The cancer had been hard for her to take. She's been hurting so I figured if we had some time together and if she went with me, she might then feel better.

We got there and had to wait and once again, these people just glare at me. I guess I don't look dead enough for them. I will not look dead, I will smile and laugh and I will not let this shit win. I can't help it if those people have given up, doesn't mean I have to. Today is not a good day to die and for that matter, neither is 20 years from now..hahahahaha.

The nurse called me and I told Loni to wait right there. You can guess what happened next..needle..yup but this time they just pricked my finger. This I liked! She did the test and told me it was perfect (last time I was low). You want a high blood count so you don't get infections and viruses. I can't be around anyone who is sick or get chemo if my count is low. I was really happy and did the in-your-face dance to the nurse and we started laughing. Loni told me she could hear me laughing out in the waiting room which I am sure made them dislike me even more. Like I said before..I am not dieing today..hahahaha

So, I have this week and then next week is round number two and I'm not looking forward to being down again. Seems just like when you start feeling so what ok, they hit you with it again. Oh well, after that one I'll only have 4 to go..

One Week Down

2007-03-27T09:27:00.000-05:00

It's been one week since my first round of chemo and I have to say OK. They have great medicines now that keep you from doing everything. I didn't throw up which was a huge scare on my list. It felt like I had a hang over along with the flu and I think I can live with that 5 more times. Ken's been making me get outside if only to sit in the sun and that does make me feel much better.

I went downstairs to the all girl room and have been sewing. I want to finish my flannel quilt just in time for summer..hahahaha. Again, Ken has some sewing projects for me for the hot rod and NO..I can't sew car seat covers for the thousand time..hahaha. I've already got an idea for all the bandannas and du-rags that I have. I want to make them into a quilt but I want it to be more of an art quilt. This cancer stuff bites and there just has to be something good to come out of it, it just has to come to me. I'm hoping the quilt would be something I could show but it's all ideas right now.

I would say I'm ready to go back to work..NOT!! I now understand just why Doc Death said I wouldn't be able to! The chemo makes ya kinda whacked in the head along with draining every once of energy you have. If I was driving my hi-lo, there would be a lot people becoming speed bumps. July 3rd is possible the last treatment so I am shotting for sometime after that.

It is kinda nice that the weather has gotten better. I have small gardens around the house that I can fart around with but I am sure that Ken has a project for that too. He sure has a lot of projects for his chemo girl..hahahahaha

Chemo Toe

2007-03-22T11:57:00.000-05:00

Started my first round of chemo on Tuesday and at least I say say round one is behind me. I was a little scared but it didn't take too long and Ken got to watch spike TV in a private room they have for chemo. They have a few of these along a hallway and then there's the sitting are beyond that. I brought my crackers and ice water with me , the ice is to help not get mouth scores. Chemo is crappy but as long as it helps me..then ok.

I woke up the next day and felt like a had a huge hang over..feels like the flu and I have to go out today to get a shot that is going to help replace my white blood count when it goes down. I am really tired but so far I haven't gotten too sick yet, I keep praying I don't. I seem to keep looking back lately but I guess having this kinda disease in your life makes you do that. I wish some dear friends of mine that had cancer in the past where alive today to talk to. I have so many questions for them and I now understand just what was it like when they went through this.

I never understood the faith they had but I saw the courage of the fight in their eyes. It is a fight, and you have to be strong but I still wish they where here to hold my hand and help me with this. Ken's been taking care of me and he is a God sent! I don't think I'd be this well mentally or physical without him.

Well, I'm off to bed but in ending this today, I just wanta thank everyone who asks Ken about me at work..I means a lot to me guys and I miss you all very much! One down..five to go and it won't be long and I'll be back to give ya crap..

Where do I Port At?

2007-03-19T07:23:00.000-05:00

I'm starting my chemo on Tuesday the 20th so they had to put this thing in my body called a port. It's the size of a quarter and hooks up to a vein that goes right into my heart. This is the safest way to do the chemo. I can tell ya I wasn't too thrilled about this but again, I'm going to kick the crap out of this stuff so I need to do it right.

Ken drove me to the hospital and we got checked in and taken to the waiting room. They hooked me up to a heart thing and then the needles came. We all knew this was going to involved needles but I could dream..right? The nurse said I needed to be tested to see if I was pregnant. Pregnant??? You have got to be kidding me. Pregnant. I did hear her Right. Because my special time of the month doesn't come when it should anymore, there could be a chance I was pregnant. I started laughing and informed her at after all the operations, x-rays and test, that if I was, it would have five arms and a tail. She didn't laugh but Ken thought it was funny. I can't believe that the nurse drove herself to the hospital that day and didn't ride the short bus there.

The port went in fine and I had to wait to do my heart test after. Everything went turned out ok and we went home. Holly crap but this surgery hurt. It felt like they broke my collar bone. I couldn't move and when I did, it felt like I was going to pass out from the pain. This port hurt worse then anything I've had done so far. All I can do is lay around and pop pain pills and nap but I am sure it will feel better soon.

Well, the port is feeling better but it took a few days but I still don't know how it's going to feel when they use it. Guess, I'll just have to wait and see. I'm already for the chemo and just a little scared about getting sick but I know it will be ok.

Angles Are Everywhere

2007-03-17T14:42:00.000-05:00

That is a true statement concerning the Rad Doc. I had an appointment to see her after the PET/CT scan. The office is great, it was relaxing and even had a water fountain. My appointment was 1pm and we finished two hours later. The Doc I met told me she wasn't my Doc and I probably won't even see her again, she was just there that day filling in.

She told us about the radiation and then she told us why I needed to do the chemo. She gave us answer that we needed to know, they why's and how's. Most important and what kicked everything into gear for me, she used the word CURED. She said I could be cured. Cured! Up till now the only word I knew was death! Cure just didn't seem possible and I just couldn't believe she said it. Doc Death never said it and according to the death chart, it wasn't even possible. Cure..what a great word!

We explained to her what we where told and how we disliked Doc Death and the death chart. She told us to give him another chance and it would be ok. Ok, I know she wasn't but at the time she sure did seem like an angle. I felt great after talking to her and made up my mind to do the chemo and everything else that was needed now.

We had to go see Doc Death a few days later to get the results of the Mother of All Test..PET/CT. The place smelled the same, looked the same and we even had the same waiting room. Well, in he came but this time he smiled and seem to have a different attitude about him. He sat down and told us...There was no cancer anywhere!!!! Zip, nada and nill. I cried and Ken smiled and a load was lifted. The cure seemed possible, so with that, I agreed to the port and chemo. Doc Death was stunned but smiled and started the ball rolling. We got paper work and set up the surgery for the port an a heart test.

This is now the start of the 6 month chemo and rad treatment.

Doc Death and the Test

2007-03-15T07:07:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling really down lately and after talking with Doc Death, I was ready to give in to the anti-depressants. He made an appointment for a PET/CT scan for me. This is a whole body scan to see if the cancer was anywhere else. I viewed this as the mother of all test, a test which if I didn't pass meant more doom and gloom. I've been feeling like I'm in high school lately cause every test I take, I fail!

Test day came and Ken drove me to GR where the place was located. Everything has been right here in Holland but this machine is only in GR. What a great place! The lobby looked like a 5 star hotel. At the end of the lobby was a huge wall of glass that over looked a pond. It was lovely and relaxing and what every cancer place should be like. This was the first time since getting this crap I felt good and relaxed.

The nurse took us off to a private room and yes, there the needle came out and an IV hooked up to me. I hate needles and I pass out each time..LOL. She explained everything to us and I was disappointed that I wouldn't have some super human power after having radio active sugar in my veins, OH Well that's the breaks. She then said I would be getting a barium (sorry about the spelling folks). All that raced through was head was the dreaded word Enema!!!! Hell no, nothing was going in an out area..nope..nope..nope. Ken also told me he thought the same thing and was laughing. I bet he wouldn't have felt that way if it was him..LOL.

Guess the nurse saw the doe in the head light look I was giving her and she explained that I was to drink it..LOL. But, to make this short..it was a fun scan and a turning point for me..I felt like myself again. At the end of the scan the nurse met us back in the room with an arm full of snacks and juice and pop. I just couldn't believe how nice they made us feel..it was absolutely wonderful!

Next..Angels are Everywhere

Doc Death and His Friends

2007-03-13T13:47:00.000-05:00

We had another appointment with Doc Death today. I should explain who the Death guy is so here we go. Dr. Death is the chemo doctor who when we first visited him, scared shitless, showed us the death chart. This happened after I met this poor lady out in the awaiting room who told me she lost her husband to cancer and now herself had cancer and Doc Death was their physician. The poor thing then asked if her hair was on straight and I just about cried right there. The whole place felt like death, smelt like death and the people looked like death walking. And, this is the place I have to go to get chemo??? No freakin way!!!!

We walked in and Doc Death back up nurse popped in and took all the history down and such. She was OK but I just didn't want to be there, I feel fine, I'm not sick..wake me up! Well, after that in walks Death, He made his presentation and told us stuff we didn't want to hear. He said things we didn't know and information we needed but couldn't accept. Death then pulled out the death chart. If we did nothing, death! If we did a little, there would be death but less then if I did nothing. This went on till he reached the bottom of the chart and showed me, if I did everything and I mean everything, less death. Less death but still death. We went home and the blanket went back over my head!

Everything he told me I thought was crap. Had to stop working for 6 months??? CRAP! Chemo and all the side affects??? CRAP! Crap, crap and more crap. I made a call and planed to head back to work, at least, my life was going back to normal even if I had to do it myself. My arm and back hurt so bad but I was driving that hilo even if it killed me before the cancer..hahahaha.

Next..Doc Death and the Test Results...That's all for now, I need a nap...

Starting It All

2007-03-12T08:34:00.000-05:00

In January of 2007 I found a lump in my breast. We went to the Doc days later and that snowballed into the journey I am on now. After a mammogram, ultra sound and two biopsy, they told me I had breast cancer and that the tumor would need to be removed.

I can't start to even put into words what went through my head. So many emotions it felt like my head was going to explode. The internet was my best and worst friend. I spent countless hours researching and analyzing everything I could to the point of pointless. I knew everything and I knew nothing. And so in February, the date set, I was having surgery to remove this tumor and be on the road to recovery..or at least that's what I told myself!

Surgery went great and the day after I was resting at home I received the news about the place I work being SOLD! I have breast cancer and the place I have worked for, over 20 yrs, is now being sold and there's going to be a benefit and wages CUT! What the hell??? What else?? I've stopped smoking..hahahahaha This is a bad time for that! I put a blanket over my head and stayed like that until my appointment with my surgeon later that week.

I was looking forward to knowing how everything was going with me so going to the surgeon was nothing to be nervous about. My nerves have been on edge and I've been scared of everything but today they planed to remove the tube in my breast so I was in a good mood.
The mood changed as he was removing the tube and telling us about the stage 3 cancer that I have.

Cancer comes in stages 1 being the best and 4 being the worst and with me having 14 out 0f 30 lympnodes with cancer in them, it put me into a 3 stage. That stage meant chemo and the road I was on just took a detour. I don't mind a detour when your driving, you get to see parts of the country you would have passed but this really wasn't in MY game plan. Back to the couch with the blanket over my head! We made an appointment with the Chemo Doc and Radiation Doc and I made plans to get my butt back to work. I figured that if I could return to work that maybe my life would return and I would wake up from this nightmare.